In his view, if something goes wrong, the mind has several automated responses, none of them completely adequate (in order of increased maturity):
- Lay blame
- Justify: Interestingly, he does not think that justifying one's actions is useful and puts this activity in a category similar to laying blame.
- Shame: Obviously, beating yourself up over something that went wrong is as unproductive as beating someone else up.
- Obligation: There is a lot of honor in the idea that someone “has” to do something. On the other hand, using the words “have to” (as in “I still have to do the dishes”) automatically creates friction as no one likes to be forced to do something, even by oneself.